Postscript--Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Linda and Kathryn Huxtable's Breakup
June 30, 1998
Written November 8, 1998

Well, it's been awhile since I've written here. There are a number of reasons. The main one may be that I don't need it as much. But there have been times when I wanted to express my feelings and couldn't face committing them to paper, or to my web page.

I've been living on my own for three months. I was right about not getting a house. I can barely keep my will together to take care of an apartment. I manage, though.

I'm not cooking much. I used to love cooking. I find that I'm just not interested in cooking for myself alone, and were I to invite someone else over it would remind me of what I've lost. So I eat out, order out, and snack a lot. I'm getting fed, though not as healthily as before.

I've got my stuff all set up more or less the way I want it, and the cats have settled in. I spent the month of August setting my place up. My assistant at work quit September 1st, and I spent several weeks working 60+ hour weeks dealing with that. Then, when I had some time to think, I got depressed.

Some days are better than others. Most days are better than they were back in July. At least I don't have to see Linda every day. We still haven't sold the house, so I still deal with her about once a week.

She started dating again within a week of my moving out. I knew it would happen, and I even knew who she'd start dating. So what, it still hurts. I can deal fine with her when there's no one else around, but if there are people we know around I get sullen and withdrawn, or else somewhat nasty. And I don't want to see her boyfriend at all.

(For the record, I think it'd be harder if she were dating another woman, because then there might have been something I could do to keep the relationship. This way, there really isn't.)

I went to see Ferron in mid October. It was a great concert, but it was the first lesbian event I'd ever been to without Linda. It felt really strange. (Actually, I've been to a couple of other events without her, but it made a big difference that we weren't together.) I sat with some friends, and mostly had a good time, except when I saw the woman who took the pictures of our committment ceremony. I broke down crying for a few minutes.

Last night I went to see Kate Clinton. She was good, though a bit short. Linda and the other person were there, but I sat where I didn't think they'd see me and left right after the show. I didn't feel real good.

I've learned again that when I'm depressed I spend money. I've bought a bunch of expensive stuff for my kitchen, which I have used, despite not cooking much, and even more stuff for my computer. It's a good thing that they pay me well, and that my work performance hasn't suffered much.

On a more positive note, I've done one piece of art since the breakup, and I think it's pretty good. It's Myrddin and Vivien, the Lady of the Lake, gazing into the Pool of Visions. It was a cover for the Samhain 1998 Oz Notes.

And I was High Priestess at the Samhain ritual. Maybe the fact that Linda and "the other" weren't there helped, but I felt like it was one of my most effective times as High Priestess. Wow!

Yule will probably be difficult, since I see no reason why Linda won't be there. Oh, well, I'll have to figure out how to deal with it. The Web of Oz is too important to me to leave it.

I don't think I'll be writing here often. My guess is that I've reached a plateau that I'll stay at for several months. Mostly I get through with occasional periods of extreme grief. It'll probably stay this way for awhile.

--Kathryn Huxtable, November 8, 1998ce

Contact kathryn@kathrynhuxtable.org with questions or comments about this page.

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This file was modified Wednesday, 15-Dec-2004 13:05:55 PST