Postscript--Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Linda and Kathryn Huxtable's Breakup, June 30, 1998
Written July 30, 1998

It's been a bit over four weeks, now. The crushing pain has lessened considerably, though it returns now and then. I'm somewhat numb, I think. I'm not sure I'm letting myself perceive what I'm feeling.

I still don't understand why the sky hasn't opened up in large rents, and the stars fall from the sky. Surely this breakup is a contravention of all I've believed in, and held dear.

I'm doing lots of things that I don't want to do. But I have to do them. Things like looking for an apartment. I never thought I'd live in an apartment again. I probably won't live in one forever, but it's easier right now. I don't want to take care of a house while I'm feeling as lousy as I am.

I've found a place, and I'm moving this weekend. It's pretty nice, as these things go. I expect to live there until I decide where I really want to live. I may be there a year or two. It makes sense for me to move first, since I'm getting the cats, and that way we don't have to worry about messes and such while our house is being sold. Then we'll split the money, and Linda will find a place.

We've split the book collection. There are about 20 books that we both want that will be hard to find duplicates for. The rest, several hundred in all, divided pretty well. We haven't yet split the CDs, records, and tapes. We've split the furniture, but not the kitchen stuff. I'm taking enough stuff to get by, and we'll divide the rest soon.

We're being amazingly cordial about all this. I keep wondering when I'll snap completely. I snap at her occasionally, and sometimes there's an edge in my voice that I don't like at all. She's mostly putting up with it.

I just recently returned from a trip with Linda and her bridge partner (NABC, in Chicago). I don't enjoy card games, so I visited museums in Chicago while they played bridge. They didn't do so well, but they had fun.

I only threw one tantrum, which resulted from a number of events to tedious to go into here, but basically, every time I see her doing something we used to do together, I fall apart again. Or if I do something we used to do together.

Several things came together last Friday night, and I yelled nasty things at her. About five minutes later, I apologized, because it wasn't her fault. Nothing was happening that was any different from what's been happening all along. It's just that my emotional state was more jittery, and I reacted from that space.

But we're still friends. The trip makes me think we can keep being friends, though I think the true test will be when she starts dating again. I don't know when that will be.

--Kathryn Huxtable, July 30, 1998ce

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