Postscript--Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Linda and Kathryn Huxtable's Breakup, June 30, 1998
Written July 7, 1998

As I write this, one week after Linda told me that she had to leave me, it's hard for me to see how happy we were without seeing it through a haze of tears and grief. I'll probably update this as I go through my grieving process, and slowly come to terms with living my life without Linda in it. There's a certain amount of anger at the situation, some of which gets directed towards Linda. But mostly, there's just a gaping hole in my life where the certainty of her love and presence once was.

I'll get over it, and so will she, but I don't know how at this point. I don't even know how to leave the relationship. Letting go will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. To be honest, I don't want to do it. I don't want to go through with this.

But I have to. Trying to convince her to remain wouldn't work, and it wouldn't be honest. Even if she agreed, she'd feel resentful, and eventually we'd probably hate each other. This way there's a chance we'll emerge with some sort of positive relationship.

We're being amicable, thus far. We're still living in the same house, but it's pretty painful for me, and I'm planning on moving out with the cats in the next couple of weeks. That will certainly change things.

I don't think it'll happen, but part of me hopes that after a separation she'll want to get back together again. But as I said, I don't really believe that will happen. I think I understand her feelings, and it's not something we can work on. It's a done deal. (I don't know how I'm typing all this without breaking down sobbing on my keyboard, like I've been doing all week at work.)

Some of my friends have said things like, "But you can't break up!" And, "But I thought you had a very strong relationship."

We did, and we still do. It's what's going to get us through this. The breakup isn't driven by lack of love. It's not driven by a desire to be with someone else. It's driven by Linda's inability to remain with me.

Do you know, I haven't felt much urge to do artwork for the past month, which is about how long I've been certain this was coming. Linda was my muse; the light of my life and the joy of my heart. She still is. (There. Now I'm crying.)

I'll leave this here, for right now. Maybe I'll add more later.

--Kathryn Huxtable, July 7, 1998ce

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